Behind the Veil
by Tari Elensar
Summary: [Warning: OOTP Spoilers and Fluffy Angsty Slash!] [SB/RL] - A moment in time that brings a short montage of memories. One Marauder watches as his whole world slips behind a veil.


****

WARNING: ORDER OF THE PHOENIX SPOILERS

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

****

Title: Behind the Veil

****

Author: Tári Elensar

****

Email: tari_elensar@hotmail.com

****

Rating: PG

****

Spoilers: All books - especially Order of the Phoenix!

****

Disclaimer: I own nothing. 'Tis just a story for my own slashy sense of well being. No money is being made. 

****

Summary: [Warning: OOTP Spoilers and Fluffy Angsty Slash!] [SB/RL] - A moment in time that brings a short montage of memories. One Marauder watches as his whole world slips behind a veil. 

****

Author's Note: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED - ORDER OF THE PHOENIX SPOILERS. Sappy, fluffy, angst. My way of coming to grips with Remus' lack of reaction to Sirius' death. 

----------------------------------------

For a brief moment, Remus Lupin allowed himself to close his eyes and wince in pain as another scream pierced his skull. He could hear the cries echoing, mingled with every other bad memory he had stored in his mind. There were many but still Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd been so scared and in the midst of so much pain. 

His head still spinning, Remus' eyes snapped open just in time to duck a Stupefying spell that had come whizzing from the barrel of Lucius Malfoy's wand. Pushing himself back to his full height, Remus wearily raised his own wand and opened his mouth to form an appropriate counter spell, but the words were soon lost in the air as one muffled voice rang clear above the rest. 

"_Dubbledore!_" the voice of the injured Neville Longbottom cried. "DUBBLEDORE!"

And with relief filling half the room and dread the other, the Order of the Phoenix and Voldemort's Death Eaters all raised their heads. The fighting ceased for a moment as the unmistakable figure of Albus Dumbledore was silhouetted in the doorway. 

__

It's over, Remus realised as he paused to catch his breath. _Dumbledore will save us._ For the first time since finding out Harry had headed for the Ministry, relief washed over him and his muscles began to relax. He spun around, searching the room for Sirius. He wanted to lock eyes with his across the crowded room and share their look of triumph. He wanted Sirius' last words to him to be right. He wanted Sirius to prove that they would be going home together just as he'd said.

However, when Remus finally laid eyes on the dark haired wizard, he frowned. Confusion replaced the relief in his expression as he looked on. 

Remus wasn't sure how he'd missed it at first, and was even less sure as to how they hadn't noticed Dumbledore's arrival, but mere seconds after belief it was all over had spread through him, that belief was also replaced by confusion and a numbness he couldn't describe nor fight.

Across the room, Sirius and Bellatrix Lestrange still stood face to face, their wands outstretched, battling it out. Neither of them seemed to have any intention of letting up.

"Sirius!" Remus tried to cry but again his words were drained out, this time by the pounding in his ears and the frantic cries of the Death Eaters as they attempted to escape.

__

It's over Sirius, Remus' mind seemed to beg as he tried desperately to make his way across the room. He elbowed Lucius out of the way, catching him off guard and knocking him into Mad-Eye Moody, before jabbing another nameless Death Eater in the ribs with his wand. But still Sirius seemed so far away. _Sirius please,_ he tried again as his heart filled with panic. _Be careful._

However Sirius was now laughing and still paying no attention to the others. He ducked a red jet of light from Bellatrix's wand and Remus felt his heart jump as Sirius' bark-like laugh rang out. Remus could tell that Sirius was enjoying this. And when Sirius began to enjoy something, he became careless. This became evident as Sirius grinned and pushed his long dark hair out of his eyes, carelessly aiming his wand at his cousin and missing her by a few feet. He seemed completely unaware that his lover was still struggling to reach him. 

"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius cried mockingly as he straightened himself up after missing another blast from Bellatrix's wand. 

Remus felt frustrated tears begin to well up in his eyes as Sirius' words seemed to echo over and over again in his mind. Without warning the scene in front of him began to move as though in slow motion. Remus felt trapped and annoyed with his inability to think quickly. His body movements had also become slow and jolted and Remus found himself helplessly unable to tear his eyes from Sirius as he lurched backwards when another jet of light from Bellatrix hit him squarely in the chest. 

Sirius' laughter continued to echo in his mind as Remus, realising that there was nothing he could do, felt his eyes glaze over, not wanting to see another second. 

__

"Moony you prat! What are you doing?" 

An expression of pure delight and amusement sparkled in Sirius' dark eyes. Remus squirmed uncomfortably beside him, while hiding his hand behind his back, still reeling from the second that it had touched Sirius'. 

A mistake, Remus decided, blushing furiously. Why did you reach for his hand and pull away like that? It wasn't exactly smooth. He's bound to know why you did. And he's bound to be disgusted and then simply laugh it off. 

Hearing a cheer from the Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch match that they had been heading to when Remus had decided to "make his move", Remus pretended to continue walking as though he was more interested in knowing who had scored. 

However, he didn't get very far as Sirius had stopped right in front of him. Sirius' laughter had faded and a transfixed expression had traded places with the amused one that Remus was so used to seeing. He'd never seen Sirius look like this before and it was making him nervous. Knowing that Sirius was probably going to explain that he and Remus were friends and nothing more, Remus ducked his head and tried to step around him and head up to the stands. 

"Remus..."

Remus froze when he felt Sirius grab his wrist lightly to stop him from walking. Feeling trapped and helpless, knowing that he didn't want to know hear what Sirius was going to say, he tried to back away from him but ended up hitting the stone wall behind. Remus could do nothing but watch Sirius as he searched Remus' eyes with his own. 

For a moment, Sirius looked as though he was going to say something. Instead however, Remus felt the gentle pressure of a hand resting on his hip. The pressure increased and he realised Sirius was pushing him back further. He shivered as he felt the cold stone wall through the back of his thin, tattered robes. 

Remus began to panic. What was going on? He was now sandwiched between Sirius and the outside wall of the Quidditch stadium. The feel of Sirius' hand on his hip was mesmerising Remus until Sirius reached up and gently ran a finger down the side of the trembling werewolf's cheek, turning his attention elsewhere.

"Moony," he whispered finally, his breath against Remus' face as a smirk began to spread over his lips. "If you wanted to hold my hand, all you had to do was ask."

Remus opened his mouth to protest but was cut off as Sirius lent forward and tentatively pressed his mouth against his. It was at first innocent and gentle as though both tried to second-guess the other's next move. The dark haired boy, gaining confidence, began to use his tongue to ease Remus' lips open and gently explored his mouth, one hand still resting on Remus' hip, holding them together, while his other entwined itself in Remus' fine, soft hair. Remus' heart was beating like a drum. Fear pulsed through him. He was not nearly as experienced in this as Sirius was and he'd never kissed a boy before. But there was something about the fact that it was Sirius that made it right. He'd loved Sirius from the moment they'd met in their first year and six years later, it was no different. 

Remus moaned gently as Sirius pulled away for an instant to come up for air. Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so much gratitude for a person. He never thought anyone could know about what he was and still touch him the way Sirius was. And for that, Remus owed him everything. 

Still paralysed, Remus could do nothing but watch as Sirius' eyes widened in shock, his earlier expression of triumph disappearing. _He was expecting this,_ Remus realised. _But yet he still looks surprised. _Remus could make out the fear mixed in Sirius' expression as his entire body began to tilt backwards. Remus tried again to yell out but his breath caught in his throat as Sirius' eyes swam in front of him, filled again with fear but this time also understanding and hope. 

__

"It's been so long Sirius. It hurt so much." 

His voice cracked. He knew nothing could compare to what Sirius must have been through in Azkaban but part of him wanted Sirius to pay for everything that had happened to them. He would never be able to forgive Sirius for not telling him everything. He would never be able to forgive James. 

"I know," Sirius whispered, staring at the floor of his latest hideout - a dully lit cave in the valley behind Hogsmeade. Buckbeak stood in the corner, scratching away at the dirt floor, paying no attention to either of them. "Remus I know it will never be enough but I'm sorry. I wanted so badly to tell you everything but...but..."

Remus nodded. "I know..." he whispered back. He too averted his eyes as they filled with painful tears. The last thirteen years had closed him off to all emotion. He felt cut off from everyone and everything, however just like before when it came to Sirius, Remus had no control. 

"Remus?"

Sirius' voice was urgent and cracked slightly. 

Remus raised his eyes and realised that Sirius was standing a mere two feet away, his hands reaching out for his. 

Remus hesitated in taking them and Sirius too blinked back tears, pain etched in his worn but still handsome face as he dropped his hands, looking embarrassed and hurt. There was a moment of silence. Remus was fighting to keep himself composed. It was the first time he and Sirius had been alone since he had escaped. He never realised it would be so hard. There was so much to say, yet no words to say it. 

"Remus you're what kept me alive," Sirius finally whispered hoarsely, breaking the silence. "When I was in Az--" He winced as though he had just taken a bite of something rotten. "In *there*...I just thought of you and I knew everything was going to be okay. I still love you Remus. I always will." He paused and Remus' eyes flickered upwards. It was breaking his heart to see his ex-lover like this but he still said nothing as Sirius continued. "You're my spirit Moony, my life. Please." He was pleading with Remus' eyes now as he took a tentative step forward and tried again to reach out for Remus' hands. Remus paused for a moment, still trying to hold it all in but he knew seconds before it happened that he'd failed. 

A sob rose in Remus' chest and Remus collapsed into Sirius' surprised arms. He had felt so lost. Sirius had been gone for so long with so many unanswered questions. He knew it was he who should be comforting Sirius but it was just too much. He cried hopelessly into Sirius' shoulder as Sirius wrapped himself tightly around the weeping werewolf, just as he knew Remus would have done for him. 

Everything is going to be okay, Sirius promised silently as he stroked Remus' head. We're together now. I'm never leaving you. 

"Never."

Remus felt his own eyes widen and a collected gasp sounded as Sirius' body curved in an arc, still tipping backwards. _No!_ Remus' mind screamed as he realised that Sirius was heading right for the ragged veil hanging from the archway. _No! Don't give in Sirius._

Sirius' head turned slightly and Remus was able to see his expression properly. That wild, careless look he had worn while fighting Bellatrix was gone. Before it seemed to him that his safety was of no importance but now...all Remus could see was the fear. His eyes were crying out for his help, but Remus couldn't get to him. _I have to!_ Remus thought frantically. _I have to help him._ His whole life Remus had made himself believe that Sirius was the strong one that he knew what he was doing, how he got there and what he wanted to do next. _He's not though_, Remus thought beside himself with panic. _And he needs my help now._ Sirius never asked for his help. At least not with words. But whether he asked it or not, did not matter. Remus never denied him. He hadn't back then and he wouldn't now... 

__

"Sirius? What are you doing here?"

Remus shifted slightly while glancing around nervously. He watched as Sirius seemed to sweep his eyes over Remus' front porch, taking it all in. Remus flushed. Sirius had never seen his home before and he was sure it was nothing like what he was used to. After all Sirius was a Black. 

"Mum's still out of work," Remus explained, weakly, still blushing with embarrassment. "This place is all we can afford right now..." Remus cringed as he noticed a cat looking as though it was made of skin and bones, jump off a side railing only to have the railing fall down with it. 

Sirius didn't seem to notice. Remus tried to read his expression but found it strangely blank. Sirius had an opinion about everything. He couldn't surely be holding back on what he thought of Remus' house. It just wasn't like him. 

It wasn't until then did Remus realise that Sirius' blank expression wasn't blank at all, but haunting. His eyes were dull and tired and Remus was sure, as he stepped further into the sunlight, that he could see tear stains down his cheeks. 

"Sirius what is it?" he asked warily, realising that what Sirius thought of his house was unimportant and superficial at this stage. "It's summer holidays...Shouldn't you be at home with your family?"

Sirius nodded mutely.

Remus frowned, confused. "Then why...?"

Again, something about Sirius' appearance struck him. He was shaking. Even in the hot summer weather, he was shaking as though he was standing in the snow. But still Remus found he couldn't move from his front door. 

Sirius reached up and pushed matted black hair behind his ear and Remus noticed a bandage wrapped untidily around his right wrist. "Sirius what happened?" he asked, alarmed. Not being able to stand back any longer, Remus walked across the porch and down the steps towards him. 

Realising he'd made a mistake, Sirius shoved his hand in his pocket. "Nothing," he said shortly. "Nothing." 

"Sirius show me," Remus demanded. Sirius turned away. "Padfoot!"

Sirius flinched slightly, but made no move to show Remus his wrist. 

"What happened?" Remus asked again as he reached out for Sirius' hand. "Please Padfoot...Why won't you let me in?"

Sirius said nothing but he didn't protest as Remus gently pulled his hand free from his pocket. Remus paused and looked up at him, trying to catch his eye, trying to ask for permission or some kind of reassurance but Sirius was staring at the dirt path beneath them. 

Biting down hard on his bottom lip Remus carefully unwrapped the bandage and gave a small gasp of surprise and horror when Sirius' wrist came into clear view. 

"Sirius--" he started but as though finally waking up, Sirius roughly pulled his hand away. Remus stared down at his hands which had become covered with a slick, wet substance - Sirius' blood. 

"It's nothing," he said, turning to rip the blood soaked bandage from Remus' slack grip. "Nothing. Just an accident. It won't happen again." He turned to leave, leaving Remus to stare in confusion as to what was going on. 

"Sirius!" he exclaimed, his voice almost angry as he watched the dark head of the man he loved walking away from him. "Stop this. Stop shutting me out! You never ask for my help...Why?"

Breathing deeply, Remus watched as the other boy stopped. Sirius' blood was sticky on his hands. Sirius seemed to be thinking something over...or not thinking as the case may be. Remus took a few tentative steps towards him, his shoes crunching loudly in the dirt. Sirius didn't move. Taking this as a sign, Remus covered the space between them and gently rested a hand on his shoulder. 

For a moment, neither said anything. Finally, it was Sirius who spoke again.

"It was my father."

"Your father?"

"He did this."

Remus followed Sirius' gaze to the bloody engraving carved into his wrist. It was the Black family crest, so perfect that only a wand could have done it, but so red and raw that it must have been done slowly and painfully. Remus' heart pained to think of Sirius having to endure this. 

"Why?" His voice was barely above a whisper. He knew that life at the House of Black was not a thing Sirius looked forward to but then again, he'd always joked about it. He'd laughed. He never told them that things like *this* happened. 

"Why?" Sirius echoed, his voice shaking with anger or fear, Remus couldn't tell which. "Because he was trying to teach me a lesson. Trying to prove to me that no matter where I went I could not escape my family. That I would always be a part of them. That they'd always be apart of me." Sirius' voice was rising and he finally turned to look Remus in the eye. "They wanted you to see it. They wanted you to hate me. They wanted me to hate you."

Remus felt like his insides were cramping up just as they always did before the full moon. "You told them about us?" he asked hoarsely. He hadn't even told his mother about them yet. 

Sirius frowned at the look on Remus' face. "Of course I did," he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me Moony, how could I not?"

Remus said nothing. He was so confused. He had so many questions. Like how could Sirius just stand there and take his father hurting him like that? And how could he be so strong when Remus himself felt so weak? And why was he here?

"I'm going to stay with Prongs."

"What?" Remus was ripped violently out of his reverie. 

"He said if it ever got too much for me to stand, I could go and stay with him."

"Oh."

"Moony..." Sirius' voice cracked as Remus brought his eyes up to meet his. He looked distraught and for a moment Remus wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and never let go. Sirius' next words however surprised him.

"I...this...can..."

Remus searched his dark eyes, unsure on what to say. He too was having trouble stringing a sentence together.

Sirius held out his wrist, where the blood still gleamed fresh. "It won't stop bleeding," he said finally and he looked back up to Remus' face as though the sight of the crest terrified him. It was then that Remus realised he was still shaking uncontrollably. "And I want it gone...I don't want it on me...I don't want James to see. I don't want anyone to know..."

Remus gently brought up a hand to wipe away the single tear that was rolling down Sirius' cheek. He finally understood. He had been wrong. Sirius couldn't always be expected to be the strong one. 

"Padfoot you prat," Remus murmured as he lent forward to take the trembling boy into his arms. "If you wanted my help, all you had to do was ask." 

Remus opened his eyes just in time to see the mixture of fear and surprise painted on his lover's face as he fell backwards through the ancient archway and disappeared behind the veil. He could hear Bellatrix scream in triumph but somehow could feel nothing. Sirius had lied to him. He wasn't coming home with him tonight. He would never be coming home with him again. And he had known it all along. 

__

"What are you talking about Moony? We're going to get out of this okay. All of us. You, me, Harry...We'll bring him back here. We'll finally be a family. Isn't that what you want?"

Remus pushed himself into a sitting position, the sheets tied around his waist. "Of course," he said, as he watched Sirius dressing quickly. "Of course. But it's just..." He trailed off, realising they were wasting time. If only they'd been downstairs with Kreacher when Harry had used the fireplace to contact them instead of up here lying in bed together, exhausted and spent, hands exploring, whispering promises.

Remus leapt out of bed and caught his robes as Sirius threw them to him. "I'm only saying Sirius...Be careful. You know I don't want you coming. It's too risky. I don't think I could stand los--"

Sirius spun around and placed a finger on Remus' lips, cutting him off. "Don't," he said, his eyes stern and Remus finally realised just how worried and scared the other man was. "Don't say it. Remus please. I have to go. I have to make sure Harry is okay."

Shaking his head Remus almost felt like hitting Sirius across the face, yelling at him that it was reality and that there was a chance that one or both of them was going to die. We've been through so much already, I'm sure that whatever it is that's controlling us won't mind sending one more blow our way, Remus thought bitterly as he realised again one of the reasons Sirius was so keen to go. 

"He's not James, Sirius," he whispered, staring up into Sirius' big dark eyes that were now wide as though Remus really had slapped him. "Everyone knows that's what you think."

"He's the closest thing we'll ever have to James," Sirius snapped. "I have to go."

"Sirius listen to yourself! James is dead. Harry is not. I will go. The rest of the Order will go and we'll bring him back alive. I promise you that. Please just don't come." His voice dropped to a whisper. "If you do you'll only be proving that you cared more about James than you do about me. I need you Sirius. I need you here. Please don't go."

Sirius stepped away from Remus. He was now fully dressed and slipping his wand into his robes. There was a new light in Sirius' eyes, a kind of fire. This isn't just a rescue mission, Remus thought miserably. Sirius wants to go. Like always the danger of the hunt is what makes him happy. And I want him to be happy...

There was a loud knock on the door. "Come on you two!" came the urgent cry of Tonks. "Mad-Eye's here. We're ready to go." There was then the loud sound of footsteps thundering down the staircase, a stumble of someone tripping and then Mrs Black's terrible screams. 

"Blood traitors!!"

Sirius met Remus' eyes across the room as Remus pulled his robes fully on. "I have to get away from this Moony," Sirius said, a voice barely audible above his mother's screams. "I'm dying here."

Remus blinked, trying to fight back his emotions. "You'll die out there."

Sirius shook his head. "I'll come back," he promised, trying to push a smile to his lips. "We both will. We'll be coming home together tonight, okay? Everything will be okay. Harry will be safe. I'll be safe. Don't worry."

"Remus?! Sirius?!"

"SCUM!"

Remus hesitated at Tonks' cries. He could see that Sirius was itching to go. Of course Remus wanted to help Harry but there was something that had him frozen to the spot. He didn't want to step out that door with Sirius. He had a feeling that Sirius would never be stepping back in. The way that Sirius was acting...It was almost as though he had no idea what kind of danger was out there waiting for them. It was even as though he didn't care about Harry himself, just the idea of saving him. He was alight with a new glow that terrified Remus. 

"Are you coming Moony?" Sirius' asked after a moment. Remus couldn't help but notice the tear in it as though Sirius himself was saying goodbye. He had crossed the room so he was standing in front of the werewolf, his eyes now filled with fear and worry. 

"I love you Padfoot," Remus choked out. 

Sirius pressed his lips roughly to Remus' and Remus was lost for a moment in the warmth and comfort that Sirius' kisses always brought him. 

"I love you," Sirius said simply, pulling away. That wild look of excitement was back. He turned around and bounded across the room, wrenching the door open. Remus watched for a moment as his dark haired man disappeared into the hallway. 

Lies, lies, lies, Remus' mind chanted, his legs trembling as though ready to give way. _All Sirius did was lie. He betrayed me. He promised he'd come home. He promised he loved me enough to keep himself safe. He lied. He left me alone. He fell behind the veil and he won't come out._

Remus let himself be pushed aside as someone brushed his arm in an attempt to climb the dais and "rescue" Sirius. 

It was the sight of the back of Harry Potter's head, the head that looked so much like James', that jolted Remus back for a few seconds. "Harry..." he breathed, knowing what Harry planned to do. "No!"

He launched himself at Harry and grasped him tightly around the chest, holding him back. There was nothing either of them could do. Sirius was dead. _He wanted to die,_ Remus realised. _It wasn't the danger of the hunt he wanted...It was the chance that he might finally escape the existence he was living._

As he thought the words it felt as though he himself were dying however, the feel of Harry struggling in his arms reminded him that Sirius would have wanted Harry to be safe. He wouldn't want Harry - the biggest burden he had held - following him into the place he could finally find peace. 

"There's nothing you can do, Harry--" The voice that came out of Remus' mouth sounded nothing like his own. It was flat, emotionless, but it was there, just like Harry was. With a sudden rush of emotion he vaguely realised how Sirius must have felt looking at Harry, knowing that James was gone. He needed Harry and now Remus need him too for he, unlike Sirius, wasn't ready to die.

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

Remus almost gave a bitter laugh as he pulled Harry back a little further. _No he hasn't. Sirius has been falling for a long time now. _

"-- it's too late Harry."

Harry wouldn't give up. He continued to struggle and Remus continued to pull him backwards. "We can still reach him--"

Remus watched the curtain blow softly back into place. The spot that Sirius had been standing was empty. There was no trace, no evidence that he'd been here at all. For a second Remus hoped that it was dream. That they weren't really there or that Sirius at least was back at number 12 Grimmauld Place, but again he was reminded of the way Sirius had acted before they left. He had lied because he knew they were the words that Remus needed to hear. In order to keep himself living Remus needed to believe there was hope. 

Sirius on the other hand was finished with this world. He had wanted a way out, a way to finally be free from his family, from Azkaban and now himself. Remus would have to accept it. There was nothing else he could do. Sirius had wanted to go behind the veil. And Sirius always did what Sirius wanted. 

Remus sighed heavily as he held Harry's struggling body to him.

__

"There's nothing you can do, Harry...nothing...he's gone."

****


End file.
